I need space to be monotropic.

Most days I find myself saying this to my family: I need space.

What I mean is, "Please leave me alone. I want to exist here without knowing you are near and potentially needing something from me. I want to do this thing... think about this idea... or figure out a decision without feeling your nervous system pressuring me to stop and attune to you. I don't want to be wanted right now. I want to belong to just me."

My kid's current fixation - car brands.

Monotropism is a theory that tries to explain how some people need to focus deeply on one thing at a time, making it difficult to transition to other things. There is life-giving satisfaction in laser focusing on a topic, task, idea, activity, or anything else. To be able to engage until exhaustion hits, what a gift!

Every part of my being aches for the freedom to spend days entrenched in my own thinking and tasks. My two young children make this impossible.

I adore my kids. They are hilarious, creative, smart, kind, and very curious. They also need me in close proximity if we're in the same building. I spend most of my time with them supporting their own monotropic interests and needs. I know a lot about the U.S. presidents and car brands. This past weekend we went to the library three times to replenish books being devoured by one my kids. I value their need to deep dive.

Lately I've noticed an irritated feeling in my gut and shoulders when I sit at my desk and they enter the room. My body shifts into a defensive mode, ready for the inevitable interruption. When they were really little, I used to say I felt trapped on the living room floor. If I even put earbuds in they would protest. In a way, I was their monotropic interest.

Now I can see that my nervous system reads their presence as a threat to my autonomy. I can not settle with others in the room, even if they are quietly doing something else. Disruption could come... will come at any moment, who can find ease in that?

Being monotropic is why it has always been difficult for me to get things done when my family is home. Plenty of time and a perched nervous system waiting to defend itself does not make for a satisfying day.

There is a distinct frustration I have with how time fences me in. It is physically uncomfortable and mentally draining to defend my attention against constant intrusions. To be honest, sometimes the one interrupting me is me!

My need for periods of time where I can go as far into the tunnel as I can get is legitimate and worthy of being met. It won't always work out, but it's worth trying.

What's your latest interest you want to spend hours and days investigating or doing??